My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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