I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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