She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
