Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
