Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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