i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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