I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dignity is for republicans.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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