if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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