I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Send help, water and tortillas.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
