Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
