so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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