Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
