u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
