I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
