So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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