terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
