Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize