I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
