Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Life is so much better after having sex.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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