im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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