had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
