How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
