Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My balls are so social today.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
