I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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