Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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