no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
