True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
