I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
