My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
