I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish I only lived at night.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
