no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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