It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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