That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
