Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
