you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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