Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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