do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
