I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
