I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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