Got a toothbrush?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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