Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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