I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
