Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
