Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
