I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
4 words: hood of his car
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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