They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
