Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
