In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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