I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
