Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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