Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
