Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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