In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
