and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
