We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
