when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
