I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
