I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize