captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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