i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
