i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
