Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
