final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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