What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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