I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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